And to think that life will be lovely is beyond what I now know; I am not sure what to do with what is known...

I have no more struggles for living
Struggles in living, yes
But in support of it, no
I could have been gone any of these past days
The past gone
The now, here
Different
Here, soon, I would say
Here will be different
More thorough
Less physical than the moments of having lived
or the past of gone-ness
Any past moment would have been perfect for passing
But here, now is still physical
And the blood running through my veins is current
And my disappointment in humanity is present and pressing and physical
I can rotate it in my view and between my fingers
And to think that life will be lovely is beyond what I now know
And I am not sure what to do with what is known •

I had a health scare and came upon a revelation...

Due to mental illness — namely bipolar and obsessive compulsive disorders — and the concomitant depression which occurs with them and despite my efforts, I wanted to die. Some of it was depression, some of it was suffering, and some of it was general disdain and disappointment in humanity (I had recently lost a loved one through murder, and my hope and joy left with him)

No matter that I began effective medication, therapy, and accomplished some lifelong goals — underneath was a thought that if life ever became too difficult, I had a way out, I did not have to suffer. I could die.

However, due to this health scare, I realized... suicide has never been the answer. What I realized is that, life does not last very long. Indeed, we only live in the moment; 90% of past moments, we do not remember. One moment we are 20 years old, and then 40, and then 80. And each of these moments, we will wonder where has the time gone. We do not live in the past, we live now.

And so, I must keep in mind during the difficult moments: life does not last very long, it will be over soon. Do not give up while we suffer, not out of obligation to loved ones, but in order to not disappoint ourselves — our future selves, they who have finally found joy after the pain, and wish to treasure it.

Because, truly. There will always be difficult moments, there will be some suffering. But life is more beautiful than it is painful. •

Poem from Acres of Shadow
© Aisha Tariqa Abdul Haqq Publishing
Follow @AishaTariqa for more original poetry and inspiration •