I want to hear those philharmonic syllables spoken as the back drop to this day...

We consider mornings to be open promises for the day awaiting
Hold tightly to it, we remind ourselves
All the while forgetting to breathe deeply the chilled wind
All the while forgetting to ask of the morning what it has in mind
I, too, have been riddled with excitement many times over
Anticipating the possibilities
However, whichever language the sun speaks when its mauve tinted iridescence dances along walkways
I want to hear those philharmonic syllables spoken as the back drop to this day
I do not speak the language
Nor do I wish to relive any symbolisms of past days during this adventure into getting lost
The sum of what I have known cannot amount to what is to be known
I would like to dance in my plans
I am open instead •

I have always feared getting lost, feared not having complete control over every aspect of my life. Growing up with such a hectic childhood as I had, leaving anything up to chance is a recipe for disaster. Not keeping track of a personal belonging means it gets lost to the ether during times of instability. Not keeping track of my mind means it getting lost, too...

I have fought during every one of my waking and slumbering moments to keep myself safe. To provide every one of my needs as no one I have trusted has been able to do so. I feared lack. A lack of a home, a lack of sustenance, and a lack of safety — as I have certainly experienced such a lack in my past and knew the suffering that came with it. Indeed, if I did not provide these to myself, I would never have them. And so I held tightly to this need to control every facet of my existence to ensure nothing ever slipped away. To ensure I would not lack something that I needed for utter survival.

But I also learned that this need to control all things means that surprises can never occur. At times, a surprise can be terrifying when you do not have means or wherewithal. A surprise can mean eviction or the disconnection of a utility. It could mean running out of food before the next check arrives.

But a surprise can also be pleasant. It could mean a previous fear turning into a present pleasure. It could mean gaining the chance to learn of your own strength in a way impossible had you never allowed your grip to slip just an iota. I have experienced a multitude of fears in my life in this way, and I have never intended to intentionally loosen my grasp. But whatever force moves the wind through the blades of grass and allows the mountains their fragrance has not let go of me either — I have come to learn. No matter your fears, it will show you your strength, whether you want it to or not. And no matter how much you may kick and scream to remain in control, life will take you where it needs you to be.

The circumstance you have most desired in your life, as you call it, it, too, calls you. We may not know the path, but life will ensure you always swerve right back in that direction, no matter how stubbornly you try to stay your own course. Your end goal for yourself is also life's end goal for you. Just remain open-minded about the route you must take to get there. Sometimes what appears to be a valley is another, possibly easier, path than you may know. Have trust. •

Poem from Four Years in Chrysalis
© Aisha Tariqa Abdul Haqq Publishing
Follow @AishaTariqa for more original poetry and merchandise •