To those who wish to kill themselves: I understand...

To those who wish to kill themselves:
I understand
Sometimes, I want to kill myself
The hard part is knowing that not only is birth painful, but so is death
Though we hardly get to choose either of those
The only thing we have control over is the amount of joy we allow into our lives
The pain we cannot stop
But the joy
The joy is our weapon against defeat
Defeat is both difficult and easy
So is life both difficult and easy
The art is in choosing one over the other each and every time
Because at least with living you get to choose to live more
With defeat you lose everything
Your family, your identity, the way you like to smile at light jokes in the current setting of the meeting of both the nature and nurture of your physical self
You do not get to take these things with you when you pass on
With these words, I hope you choose life •

I was in the grips of turmoil the year of 2015. I was recovering from a psychotic break and the murder of my baby brother. I was homeless and living below the poverty line. I had holes in the soles of my shoes in the middle of winter. And I wanted to die. I had no hope. But I did have determination. I knew that as much as I wanted to die from the misery, I also wanted so much to live to complete my goals, to see my life to the very end. And I held on with this determination, and with these words: I have something I must do with my life; no matter what my brain tells me, I am not ready to die yet. And so throughout this year of finding the right medications, I was hanging on by a thread, teetering precariously on the edge of existence.
But here I am fall of 2018. And I am very happy I held on. Since 2015, I completed a Graduate Certificate, birthed a gorgeous baby as I always wanted to, started two businesses, and published two books (link in biography). And I am not finished yet. I have so much more I wish to do. And I thank my previous self every day for the steadfastness that she had, enough to allow me to see today. I am very thankful.

Hold on today for the you you will be in the future. They will thank you for your determination. •

Poem from Acres of Shadow, link in biography

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Aisha Tariqa Abdul HaqqJune 11, 2021Comment